Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

In the months after the father of my children walked out on us, I worried about a lot of things.

I worried about how I was going to care for two children under the age of two on my own. I worried that I would not be able to love my children enough to make up for what had happened. I worried about how the trauma of being left would affect them later in their lives. I worried about how my biracial children would learn their heritage without their father. I worried about my decision to leave my well paying but stressful and all-consuming job so that my children would have me around. I worried about another career change.

I worried about a lot of other things, too, but this is supposed to be a short entry. The point is, I worried a LOT.

The one thing I never worried about, though, was being discriminated against because I'm a single mother. It never even crossed my mind.

Until tonight.

My partner and I are currently looking for a rental property in which to open our dayhome, and I went to view one tonight. It is a revenue property, owned by a husband and wife, and it would have been a great childcare space; lots of room, big windows, a good kitchen, and a huge yard.

The thing is, I must have let something slip while I was making arrangements on the phone, because when I went to meet the husband to view the place he stopped me on the front step.

"I have to ask one thing first", he said.  "you're a single mother?"

 I nodded.

"because we've had problems with them before. Their welfare cheque or whatever didn't come in and they never paid.."

That was where I should have walked away, I guess. But I didn't. The rental market here is tight and we are anxious to get this business open.

He brought it up two more times while I was looking at the house. I concentrated on things like the windows and the furnace. I was there to try and rent the house after all, and I get lippy when people piss me off. Just ask my ex.

When he brought up my status as a single mother in conjuction with being on welfare a third time while I was viewing  the basement, I'd had enough. I told him politely (I hope) but VERY firmly that I was not currently, nor had I ever been, nor was I ever planning to be, on welfare. I don't mean any disrespect to single mothers who ARE on welfare, but this guy clearly had linked the two, and in his mind all single moms were Single Moms On Welfare.

There are too many things wrong with this stereotype to list here, but I'll just go ahead and start with what it precludes.

When you link single mothers with being on welfare, you preclude the idea that there are single mothers out there who are not on welfare. That there are women without partners who are doing well in their own careers, paying their own mortgages, putting their children through school on their own.

When you assume that a woman can't or won't pay her rent because she is a single mother, you disrespect the hard work that she is doing to make sure her child has a roof over his head, food on his plate, and good shoes on his feet. Many single mothers work two or three jobs to make this happen.

When you paint all single mothers with the same (negative) brush, you gloss over all the moms out there who have been motivated to be something better for their children - all the moms who work  during the day and go to school at night so that they can become more, or the ones who finally decide to open a business that will benefit the whole family - and other families as well.

This stereotype also does a disservice to all the single moms out there who are on welfare - and do pay their rent, on time, every month; who bust their asses to stretch that tiny bit of money as far as they possibly can.

I don't do well with stereotypes.

Needless to say, we probably won't get that house. Even if they do get back to us, I'm not sure I want to deal with landlords like that. Those two will have lost out on a couple of very responsible and reliable long term tenants, and we will have lost out on a great space for our business.

Being discriminated against is an incredibly ugly feeling. I can think of a certain single mama who's been walking around here with a lump in her throat all night because of it.

I want to live in a world where shit like this doesn't happen, where people don't have to feel this way because someone else sees them as Less Than. As with most things, the best place to start making the change I want to see in the world is right here at home.

Over the next little while, I'm going to be paying really close attention to the way I look at and treat people, and I'm going to change the negative stereotypes that I may be unconsciously saddling them with.

If I can stop even one person from ever having to feel the way I do right now, I'll have made the world a better place for my kids to grow up in.

I hope you'll consider doing the same.